Butterfly

Maya is Miss Social Butterfly, going from Belina's for a sleepover to Sarah's for the afternoon to Ava's for another sleepover tonight. She is exhausted! Too much social activity!

I am trying to feel connected here. Visiting with Daphne and Julien as they pack up and leave for a week in Boston, time with Rina as we discuss patients and plans for the practice, talking with Sandi about schools and curriculum and arranging more time for Sarah and Maya to play, catching up with Havely and Brooks. Ava has grown so much this past year, she is a foot taller than Maya and very grown up already. It feels good to see our friends again.

I fell asleep throughout the movie I saw tonight; either it was horribly dull or I was too tired. I am not sure because I saw too little of it (Coco and Igor, the story of the love affair between Chanel and Stravinsky) but now that I am home I am not in the mood to sleep.

Eric is done with his course today. He heads for Spain tomorrow, not particularly enthusiastically. I wish I was going in his place.

Finding my Way

How do I find my place here? I am a foreigner in a strange world. I am overwhelmed with the cost of living and the busyness and the feeling that life has gone on without me and that I have been lost and can't find my way back. It is early yet, and perhaps it will take time to be present here and belong.

I liked my yoga class, I feel more present and centred there and afterward I feel so exhausted and finished I find it difficult to move forward. Maya had a good day at dance camp and felt good when I picked her up. We practiced violin together and met Daphne with Belina, Norah and Ilana at the mall for a shopping afternoon. I felt alternately at home and lost in the mall, and felt better after getting some makeup and free gifts at Nordsrom. That is a familiar feeling and spending money is not a challenge for me. I tried to go to my office and work a little but my partner is putting up new walls and the place is a mess and I could not stay for long.

Maya had a sleepover at Belina's. I returned to my large and empty house and tried to clean up and organize a bit but then felt lonely and panicky, so I jumped into my car and drove to the Charles Theatre for a movie ('The Kids are Alright') which was mildly amusing. Once home again, I couldn't sleep because I had had coffee at 4 PM and so I flipped through channels and found a mushy love story that did not move me so I tried an Argentinian movie I had bought in Quito and tried to keep up with the Spanish that I am losing rapidly. I think I got to bed at 2 or 3 in the morning.

Diving In

I was invited to join a group of eating disorders specialists for a conference about the neural basis of the disease, which I thoroughly enjoyed. It was a good way to plunge into work. I love the science behind the practice and it is always reassuring to learn that what I do works from a neurochemical basis as well. The conference was downtown at the Hilton Garden Hotel in a part of town I like very much, and I liked getting dressed and looking professional and participating in what I am entirely familiar with. I did not like paying $14 for parking. I am horrified at the cost of everything here. Gas is almost three dollars a gallon. Food is outrageously priced. I am thankful that I am being invited everywhere and only gradually adjusting to the realities of living here.

We have been visiting friends every day and night. Emily made dinner for us tonight. I had a desire for salad to add to declicious zucchini soup and corn on the cob and chicken, and made a blueberry crumble for dessert. The best part was being with Emilly and Robert and Nathan and catching up. The children enjoyed each other too and Maya told me what a wonderful night it was. We missed our friends when living in Ecuador and did not have a regular social life, so I am appreciating reconnecting and Maya is in heaven being with Belina and Sarah and Nathan and planning sleepovers and playdates . We certainly feel connected here.

I am gradually preparing myself mentally for work and patients and pressure, but I am trying not to be stressed (bad for the brain) and just float through the process. It is familiar and rewarding, and it will bring us back to solvency. We truly lived on nothing in Ecuador and are so far behind now it will take months to get back on track.

I cleaned house today. There is little furniture but lots of stuff all over the place. I am moving nothing into the house until it is painted and the gutters and roof are done. We will be camping for awhile.

Tomorrow I visit the office and prepare for patients on Monday.

Yoga Class

It felt wonderful to take a yoga class today, the first one in a year. My body creaked and whined, but I took it easy and flowed when I could. I am not sure why I never did take any yoga in Ecuador. I focussed entirely on walking and spinning and some pilates. I am glad to be back at yoga however, it is rather incredible to sweat so profusely for over an hour and move in ways that do not seem possible.

I avoided the office and showed up to look at charts at the last moment. There was much confusion in the office space, with new walls going up and debris everywhere. There will be new therapists sharing the space, and one of my old colleagues at the Resource Group is moving in with us. I learned so much more about the embezzling secretary and wonder if it is time to go to the police and see if she can be charged and return some of the money. I would like her to go to jail if that is possible.

There was an evening dinner in advance of a workshop tomorrow. I met with Sharon and Rina and other eating disorder specialists at 'Crush', a restaurant in the space that was once 'Taste' near Belvedere Square. The food was okay but not spectacular, but it felt good to meet with colleagues and catch up. And hear all the gossip and details. I was asked to join the conference tomorrow and will try to make it if I can arrange childcare for Maya.

We picked Belina up after dance. Maya met with Jake her accompanist, who just finished all his classes for his PhD and looks great and is so very patient and good with her. The girls played furiously all afternoon and lamented their separation, but then I took Maya to Sarah's where the two rejoiced in their time together and also did not want to part at the end of the evening. How wonderful it is to reconnect with friends.

Shopping

I had all sorts of plans to get to an exercise class, to return to the office, to get the house ready to live in. Instead I went shopping. I must have grown alot older this year, because I did not find anything I liked at Ann Taylor. I actually went to an old lady's store and bought some basic black and white. How boring. Either I am just aging rapidly, or the extra pounds are too daunting; I am giving up and buying larger pants and bigger tops and dressing to hide my ever expanding bottom. Very depressing. Even my feet are bigger; I did have a blast at Marshall's, where I bought outrageous shoes to jazz up my boring old ladies' clothes.

I liked shopping, spent insane amounts of money I do not have (American Express!) and feel more ready for work. Eric lost a suitcase that contained mostly working clothes. I had packe two suitcases and gave them to his parents when they left Quito. One of the suitcases was emptied in St. Pete but the contents never made it to Baltimore. Eric has no idea what happened. I am not sure where his brain is and how it is possible that he loses so much. When we moved into this house, he threw our Oriental carpets in the garbage. I was astonished that they disappeared and he did not know what happened to them until he wandered into the office that oversaw our renovation (five years later) and found the rugs all over the floors. The staff there said they found the carpets in the garbage!!!

So he may have thrown the suitcase contents away. I am not sure how to react. I am usually furious with him when he does these sorts of things, but I don't have the energy. Instead I am shopping!

Maya spent her morning at dance class (which worked out well for her) and her afternoon with Belina, and it was fun to see Daphne and Julien and Marius. I tried to go into the storage space in the garage at their house but ran into hundreds of cave crickets and couldn't deal with them so I ran away and will wait for Eric to handle them.

Eight Hours to Baltimore

Decisions. Maya and I debated and went back and forth and finally decided to return to Baltimore for dance camp. But we took our time. We played tennis in the hot sun, took our bikes to the beach for a swim. It was colder than yesterday and there was all sorts of debris in the water, perhaps due to the storm last night. Eric joined us, and then brought us to the Marine Resources Center, where many of the fish and mollusks and crustaceans used in the scientific experiments were stored.

We avoided leaving for as long as possible and then at 5:30 or so finally finished packing the car and picking up more machinery from Eric's lab. I drove to Falmouth to get a coffee frappucino with extra shots of espresso, and off we went. Maya did mathwork for two hours before settling into her movie. I found the driving long but calming, and other than struggling with my GPS in the car, which kept telling me to get off the 95 (I would turn it off when told to do something I did not like and turning it on to check my progress). I was thankful for NPR news, which I heard over and over again, so I caught up on all the news of the past week in a few hours. Actually the details kept repeating themselves over and over.

We missed dinner and just kept driving and driving and arrived home at 2:30 AM, having driven about 8 hours, exhausted, wiped out, but safe.

Whalewatching

I was excited to go whale watching today. I had to drag Eric and Maya out of bed and push them into the car to get going, and we arrievd just in time to get on the boat and motor out to 'Stellwagon Gulch', out past the Cape where the whales hang out.

The humpback whales were amazing! I was in awe. They are huge and entertaining and just as impressive as they were off the coast of Ecuador. We saw a mother and her 'calf'. The calves do not have names until their second season but all the adults are identified by their unique markings on their tail flipper. We saw Cajun and Colt and Fan and Ursa. It was a full day and without a dull moment. We ate at Barnstable Marina for lunch and Eric and I shared a lobster roll (yum yum). Maya wanted a whole lobster, but it was too pricey, so we have to arrange to have lobster during our stay here! It is a tradition every summer on the Cape!

I received an email from Maya's dance instructor that she was invited to join the dance camp tomorrow. Of course we could not make it to Baltimore by tomorrow morning, so we are debating and trying to decide whether we stay two more days and enjoy Cape Cod, or drive down to Baltimore tomorrow to make it to dance camp for Tuesday. Decisions decisions.

Tennis, Beach, Inception

The sun was shining brightly and it was hot today. Maya had her first tennis experience with me and Eric joined us near lunchtime. I think I got overheated, so I was quite delighted to bike to the beach near the MBL and dive into the Atlantic. It was cool and refreshing and Maya was in heaven, especially when Eric joined her in the water.

We had to go shopping to prepare for a party for the students that Eric had arranged with his colleagues. 'Stop and Shop' is in Falmouth, where I cooled off with a frappuccino from Starbucks. I still felt overheated from the morning , but then walked from Starbucks to the grocery store a mile away. The store was freezing and we spent an exorbitant amount of money for food for the party. I will have to get used to the prices here after spending so much less on food in Ecuador!

Eric cooked salmon, while I prepared bruschetta and a cheese plate and a yummy salad. The students were starving after having eaten at 'Swope' these weeks, the dorm cafeteria, which does not have a reputation for edible food. The party was a resounding success. Eric's collaborator at Hopkins is taking the course and took over the conversation much of the time, but also gets teased for being a 'know it all'. I joined the students at 'Inception' the new movie about stealing information from people's dreams. It was entertaining. When I got home Eric and Maya were asleep, but I could not rest until 2 or 3 in the morning.

Rain

Rain, rain and more rain. Actually, Maya and I biked to Falmouth in time for a visit to the 'Belleza Spa and Salon' for my yearly pilgrimage. I have had several 'bliss days' at the spa. And I pretended to be in Italy for the morning. I truly believed that my face looked better afterward, but perhaps it was just suggestion. Maya waited for me dutifully, so was rewarded with ice cream at the sinfully delicious sweets 'emporium' next door. I needed a daily dose of caffeine so Starbucks was next, but as we returned to Falmouth, it began to rain and I hoped we could escape into a museum we had ridden by countless times.

The first part was an exhibit about Katherine Bates, a Falmouth resident who wrote the song 'America the Beautiful'. Another building housed a whaling exhibit, and made me determined to go whale watching sometime this trip. There is a boat out of Barnstable that goes to the same area that the Provincetown trips go and it has been recommended to us.

We did not manage to avoid the rain. While in the museum the rain lessened, so we felt safe to return to Woods Hole, but on our way, the heavens opened up and we were soaked by the time we arrived at the cottage. The path feels endless when the rain pours New York Times (I have missed reading my newspapers. Eric is fine with the online version; I love the feel of the paper in my hands!).

Having not had an evening off for months, perhaps almost a year, I piled Maya into the car and picked Eric up and drove to a movie theatre, where Eric dropped me off and returned home with Maya. I saw 'The Girl Who Played with Fire' which was not as good as the first installment of the series. It was raining furiously when I tried to call Eric and arrange a pickup, and unfortunately the phone did not work in the theatre and I had to stand outside in the rain to call, and he did not answer! Finally I decided to go to a second movie ('I am Love') which I did not like because this woman has an affair and when arguing with her son, he falls and hits his head and dies and then she leaves her husband and family and goes off with her young lover. I liked hearing Italian and feeling the sunshine of Italy and was sad that I was not in Italy with Karen and Tara and Maya and being in a place I truly love.

Eric piled Maya in the car at midnight to pick me up in the rain. There are no street lamps and the street signs are difficult to read, so I find it impossible to drive there; also I have not driven for a year and worry about being in a car anyway. Eric is perfectly comfortable and knows his way around and feels very confident on the roads and we arrived at the cottage safe and sound.

Sun and Sea

Woods Hole is gorgeous. The sky is a glorious blue, the sun is shining and everyone is friendly and open. The town is full of geeky scientists and their families. Maya is in heaven here. We met a family leaving the collection of cottages in 'Memorial Circle' who had a community bike to give away, so Maya had a bike. Maya and I usually bike everywhere while here. Eric walked to the lab in the morning.

Maya biked while I walked to 'Pie in the Sky', the local bakery and gathering place to meet Eric for lunch after wandering the length of the town to familiarize ourselves with the place, which never changes for me. Eric loves it here and wants to be in Woods Hole every summer for the rest of his life, but I have painful memories of the place and can never return without thinking of the past and the pain. I go because Maya enjoys it so much. It is beautiful and there are many fun activities to engage in, but I struggle every time I visit.

Maya and I drove to the Walmart in Falmouth to buy a bike for me and a helmet for her. Tennis racquets and balls seemed necessary too. We took the 'Shining Sea Bikepath' back to Falmouth and came home in time to meet Eric for dinner and enjoy our little cabin in the woods.

Woods Hole

We arrived in Woods Hole in good time. We missed the 6 PM bus, after a very slow ride from Monica's place to the bus station, so had a two hour wait watching 'The Soloist' on my computer. It has been raining 'cats and dogs' here and we are at 'Pie in the Sky' for a snack before we check out our cottage for the week.

We did not want to leave Boston. The day was spent at the Museum of Fine Arts in the ancient Egypt/Rome/Greece/Near East and the European Painting section. Time flew, and I could have gone on and on, but Maya reached her limit, so we took the T back to Monica's to tidy up and pack for the Cape.

The bus had internet and I have a dozen or more movies, mostly Spanish without subtitles, which is a challenge. The 'Teta Asustada' is half in Quechua and the rest in Spanish and the Spanish subtitles are not always clear to me. Am I losing my Spanish so quickly?

It is stuffy in the cottage on Memorial Circle. We will be here for a week...before I will be driving back with Maya to start our real life.

Duck Tour

More movie making at the Apple store this morning. Maya was asked to stay for the second workshop to help the other children, so we spent altogether too much time there. I spoke to a young woman who had grown up in Japan and had married and lived in Japan until recently moving to Boston. She had three small children and we shared experiences moving and finding schools and activities for our children.

It was the day of our 'Boston Duck Tour', a ninety minute narrated romp through the city. The cost was crazy expensive, but Maya loved it and we learned all sorts of relevant and irrelevant details about the city. The best part was when our amphibious vehicle plunged into the Charles River and Maya drove the boat for a stretch.

I had wanted to return to the museum for the afternoon, but it was too late, so we wandered through Boston Common where Maya ate her cherry pie that we picked up in the farmer's market in front of the amazing Boston Public Library. We strolled back home along Newbury Street and checked out some exquisite shops and tried not to buy anything, since the prices were so outrageous.

We did try out a soap shop, where we were treated to a hand scrub and lotion and we both smelled and felt wonderful and ended up buying a $13 bar of soap. We were very silly.

There is all sorts of theatre available throughout Boston, and I would live to see some, but Maya is tired and practicing her violin and eager to get to Cape Cod. I would be just as happy to stay in Boston and explore some more.

Apple Heaven

The morning started in the Apple store. Maya attended a workshop about making movies, and I learned about the new iphone. The place is beautiful, with clean lines and gorgeous computers, in fact everything is lovely in the store and it is peaceful and clean and ordered, and very cold.

Our afternoon was devoted to art. We took the T to the Museum of Fine Art and spent all our time in the Egyptian section. We'll have to return for the remainder of the collection (we can return with our ticket from today) and perhaps more than once. The skies were cloudy and it was more pleasant today.

We ate at the food court of the Prudential Center Mall, which was adequate, but not the same as the restaurants on Newbury Street. We ate Italian yesterday, with good Pino Grigio and spicy shrimp and calamari. Today it was Chicken Tikka Masala and Nan and Boston Clam Chowder. We are still working on the Tiramisu that Monica left us.

We have decided to move to Boston, it is a great place to be.

Boston

Boston is a delightful place to be. It was 97 degrees today and everyone was about in sundresses and sandals. My sister lives on Marlborough Street in Back Bay. We enjoyed shopping on Newbury and Boylston Streets and spent a very long time in the Apple store looking at phones and computers and iPads. I felt overwhelmed by all the merchandise everywhere and could not actually buy anything, except in the bookstore, where I felt very comfortable (I have been buying books in Ecuador). There is so much here, and all is crisp and clean and organized, at least it looks like that on the surface.

We ate ice cream and smoothies and espressos and salad and wine and nothing tasted like anything in Ecuador and it was all wonderful. We walked and talked and explored. At the new Old South Church and Trinity churches, we played tourist and everything felt so different from Quito. The style was neoGothic and dark and oppressive and I could not sense the faith that was palpable in the colonial churches I had become so familiar with. I was more appreciative when I decided to approach these places as museums and just read the 'self guided' tour and focused on the stained glass windows which were quite marvelous.

I remember meeting my first husband Ron at the Copley Plaza Hotel in 1988 when I attended a review course for board exams. So much happened in that hotel, I could not tell Maya the whole story, so I don't think she was aware of the wistfulness in my voice.

The library was closed, but beckons for another visit. We have much more to explore in the next few days.

Home Again

Am I home? I am not sure. Some things are familiar, more often than not, I feel foreign and disconnected. Perhaps one truly cannot come home again. This is a new life for me, a new beginning after a year away. I am no longer who I was, I am forever altered and starting over.

Or perhaps I am still recovering from a red eye flight (left Tuesday night, arrived Wednesday morning), a thorough searching of my belongings by the narcotics police at Quito airport, a long wait in immigration in Atlanta, a loss of a bag at BWI, and arrival at my house, which is empty and huge after living for a year in a small two bedroom apartment (and having no furniture), and there is a smell of mold and wetness as the basement is flooded after several days of rain and the gutters all around the house are destroyed after a 100 centimeter snowfall last winter. Our renters left the house three months early and skipped out on the rent, and every appliance is broken, the washer disappeared and they threaten to sue us for not having a lead certificate. We have no energy to make too much of a fuss, since they may be involved in organized crime and perhaps we should just be happy that we have a house.

My husband picked us up. I had not seen him for a month and whenever we talked on skype he looked exhausted and unhappy and after a while I was not sure who he was anymore. Maya wanted to see her best friend Belina immediately so we visited her after a shower and change and were welcomed by Daphne and Marius and Elmer our dog and two kitties who joined the family a few weeks ago.

I am not sure what we ate for dinner, I was too tired to care, but I did watch an episode of 'TrueBlood' before bed and wanted very much to catch up....

We almost missed our appointment Thursday morning at the Montessori school where there was suddenly a space for Maya in grade 6. I had visited several times and had been told there was no way she could join but I could not imagine that she could return to her usual public school after her very creative and holistic experience in Ecuador. Eric volunteered at the school by moving furniture for the UPS man while Maya and I visited Peabody to look at ballet camp. She was offered an audition at the end of the day but wanted to stay for the afternoon so we dashed to Superfresh down on Charles and had a quick bite before rushing back to the dance school. Later in the day her audition was sobering. The three teachers felt she had fallen way back during her year in Ecuador, so was not to advance as expected and could not take the summer camp I had hoped for.

Eric and I returned to Daphne and Julien's for lunch, met Amos, who is a violinist and had all sorts of ideas about teachers and violins and expressed his opinion forcefully. I love Daphne's salad and Belina squealed when we revealed the pot pies Eric had bought. We brought Marius and Belina home to play for a bit and I cooked dinner for them and indulged in Ben and Jerry's ice cream (coffee heath bar crunch' is my favourite). Sandi and Sarah visited while Eric cleaned house and I learned that there was to be a party at our smelly house for my birthday tomorrow. I was furious; how could that work out?

I watched some more TrueBlood episodes while Eric worked on the house. I stayed upset with him all next day while we went sailing in the Chesapeake. It was a wonderful day, hot with wind, but I was too worried about the party to relax. The party worked out well, in fact it took moments to forget what I was upset about. Emily, Robert and Nathan came, as well as Sharon, the Benichous (Daphne came after her bellydancing show at Artscape) and Sandi, Sarah and Matt later on. Eric outdid himself and the party was a great success. It felt so good to have the children screaming through the house and conversation flowing on the dinner table. We missed that while in Ecuador.

We woke up early this morning to pack and get ready for long drive to Boston. Maya and I watched movies while Eric drove steadily. Maryland, Delaware, New Jersey, New York, Connecticut, Rhode Island and Massachusetts. Whew. Truck stops and MacDonalds and many obese people. Shocking after a year away.

Boston is hot and steamy. Monica's apartment is cool and relaxing. Ate Indian food and sent Eric off to Woods Hole to teach his course. We have cottage in a few days and Maya and I will join him when it is available. Tiramisu cake and Champagne are in the fridge, courtesy of my sister and brother in law. When shall we dive in?

Maya and I will explore Boston for the next few days.